Noobs

You probably know what a ‘noob’ is. But in case you don’t, it’s generally a term used to gently rag on someone who is new to something. New=Newbie=NOOB!

For example:
Question: Has anyone heard of this new video thingy called TikTok?
Response: WHAT A NOOB!

Why do I bring up noob? Well, because I have decided to use it as a portmanteau:  

New+Boobs=NOOBS. 

You read that right. We are talking about boobs. More specifically MY new boobs. My NOOBS! Photo evidence you say? Um, no. Not yet anyway. Settle down, I am literally just starting the process. (Note: if you are new here, feel free to check out my breast cancer journey in this blog, so you know why I am talking about my boobs!)

Today was my first consultation with the plastic surgeon. 

This was a big deal. Not because of the nature of the visit, but because I GOT TO GO SOMEWHERE! I got to drive my car 20 miles into Seattle. I got to park in a garage, put on my mask and ride an elevator. Sound mundane? It is, but it was AWESOME. Seriously. I really don’t go anywhere because of the pandemic. 

I decide to wear a uniform of strength. No, not my Wonder Woman outfit. Instead I choose a chambray shirt, sleeves rolled and a red bandana to tame my returning hair, ala Rosie the Riveter.

My hair is coming back as curly as it left. It also decided I wasn’t a natural redhead anymore. I don’t know what to call this color. Maybe old-lady-calico-cat-head?

After checking in, I stand at the giant windows of the 16th floor of the medical building. I look over the city, watching the world as we all adapt to a new way of life during a pandemic.

I can hear and feel my breath through my mask. I pace and wonder what this next phase of my breast cancer journey is going to be like. 

Until breast cancer, and subsequent boob removal, I had never considered the life of my jugs. They were just sort of THERE. Nothing special.  Yes, I had a large cup size (34 or 36 DD, depending on which way the wind was blowing) but their shape didn’t even come close to the headlights you see on Victoria’s Secret catalogues. 

Being told last year that I would need to have a bi-lateral mastectomy really blew my mind. Even though I didn’t give much thought to ‘Laverne and Shirley’, I was devastated that they had to go! The mammories that gave life to my children tried to kill me, so I get it. But giving up your knockers, now matter how droopy, and mis-shapen they are is a mind-fuck.

I am now 5-months without Jiggly n Wiggly, and actually don’t miss them. However, I am ready for the next phase. I have had plenty of time to think about WHY I want to replace my melons. Do I REALLY need to? How would I feel if I didn’t? Would I be okay with how I look now? In case you need a visual, picture two fried eggs, without the yolks, sliding down a teflon wall.

I am ushered in to see the nurse. She takes my vitals, looks at my chart, and comments how much weight I have lost. She can see that upon my diagnosis of breast cancer last July 2019, I weighed 179 pounds. I now weigh 149 pounds. I have dropped exactly 30 pounds. I ask her if that’s a problem. I am actually worried, but I can’t explain why. She says no, it isn’t but I figure out later that the extra might have come in handy for my Noobs.

The doc comes in shortly after I disrobe and put on the gown. He examines me and then explains all of our options for reconstruction: Implants, gel, silicone or saline; Flap Recon involving tissue from the abdomen, butt, back or thigh. That’s where the extra flab around my middle would have come in handy!

Of course expanders play a role, no matter what type of recon I do. The doc did appreciate that I was left with quite a bit of ‘flap’ aka that fried egg image I planted in your head, before.

By now my head is spinning, but the doc and nurse are both empathetic to the decisions I have to make. I am comforted by their words and HOW they speak with me. They have guided thousands of women through this part of the journey, and I feel like I am in good hands. They remind me that I have one more option: to do nothing. I don’t HAVE to have reconstruction.

I listen. I contemplate. I tell them let’s take the next steps and we will see. So, now I wait for a phone call to arrange a special CT scan to see where we go from here.

Who knows…maybe by this time next year, I will be ready to debut my NOOBS: Thelma and Louise. 

My favorite pin

You got this far…NICE! Would consider checking out Emma Hands goods? If you like the above pin, you will love her site!

2 thoughts on “Noobs

  1. Pingback: Cancerversary – Run. Ride. Live.

  2. Pingback: Topless – Route 67

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